stephxrogers:

_{( ☆ ) ——- [ you see, the captain was frequently
                    emotion-driven in her decisions. she 
                    deliberately saved hundreds of men 
                    from the red skull because she knew
                    that bucky was somewhere —— alive.
                    his death have been unsettling and
                    night terrors find their way towards
                    stephanie rogers every night.}

                                                  _{—— pain was something she was accustomed to
                                                        steph endured a lot of physical and emotional
                                                        trauma before she could be who she was today
                                                        a woman doing a ‘man’s job’ was nearly even
                                                        impossible. but steph didn’t care if they would
                                                        disagree with her beliefs. she was a lab rat.
                                                        she was captain america. steph saved people. ]} 

      _{” The only thing I want to ask is —- w h y ? 
               Why did you agree to take this way out, Bucky? 
                         You knew that I was waiting for you. You knew that I was waiting 
                    for a sign that never came. I wasn’t going to lose more men. 
              I - I wanted to find you. At least your body. Dead or alive. 
        But it was a war, Bucky. You lose people. Even the ones you love. 
                                                                                  —- - most especially them. “} 

           

                  _{[ the sting in her eyes make it harder to see. 
                    the heartstrings pull and she couldn’t breathe. 
                    betrayal felt ever-so heavily inside her chest. 
                    it felt like darkness swallowed her whole. 
                    somehow —- - gently as possible, she places
                    her hands under the soldier’s cheeks, just
                    by his jawline, slightly forcing him to look 
                    at her. blue eyes which were bloodshot. 
                    honest. be honest —- please. and steph
                    almost squeaks, having the tears block
                    out her words and her thoughts. ]} 

                                                         _{” —— - Howard… and Maria Stark. Y - You… ? 
                                                 I - I don’t… I don’t want to believe you. 
                                                                 You killed Howard. Howard Stark. 
                                                        You killed his heart —- Oh God, please don’t. “}

      _{[ the nauseating feeling surfaces back and
        stephanie bites back a sob —- - she wasn’t
        going to cry in front of bucky. not again. 
        howard played a significant part of her life. 
        he was one of the people who gave her 
        the ability to become a super soldier. 
        —— - the reason why steph was alive. ]} 

                                             _{” James Buchanan Barnes —- - look at me. 
                                                      I - I… I can’t let you out. They aren’t going to kill you. 
                                                And I won’t let you kill any more innocent people. 
                                                                   Bucky, I - I need your promise. 
                                                        —— - I need your reassurance that you won’t 
                                                                               go back to however it is you work for. 
                                              That you’re finally going to stay with me. 
                                                                  Look at me, Bucky. 
                                                                                Make me a promise
                                                                                           just like you used to. "} 

      [ the way bucky saw it was that
      she didn’t understand. no-one
      had understood the physical and
      emotional torment he had to go
      through. the freezing conditioning
      pit, being put in harsh situations
      such as siberia. being tortured
      for falling in love. what kind of
      person willingly put up with those
      things. yes, he wasn’t in his right
      frame of mind. hell, he wasn’t
      bucky. he was james, he was
      viktor, whatever names they had
      given him in order to make sure that
      no-one knew who he was
                   —— w h y? he had no idea.
      the russians, and zola. they gave him
      the chance to back out of the experiments,
      but his mind was too far gone. the
      emotional trauma of being thawed out
      took a toll on him, and it broke him in man
      ways. he had no idea why he took it.
      maybe it was to not feel like he had nothing,
      that he was nothing. that was the
      reason he had allowed zola to test on
      him back in the hydra camp. he didn’t
      want to be a god dammned second best
      to captain america. to a woman. his arm
      twitched violently, and he sighed. ]

              "I don’t know.
                     Zola said the tests were harmless
                            and then.. the train, and the next thing
                     I remember is being pulled at.. having my arm attatched.
             You didn’t come for me. You allowed me to be tortured by them.
                  You allowed me to lose the one person that made Russia
                              e a s y ”

      [ at her response to his
      admission, james’ eyes
      closed tightly. he was the
      one that had murdered
      them in cold blood and he
      was the one which set the
      bombs on the plane. he had
      murdered steph’s father figure
      and the guilt was breaking past
      those strong and built up barriers,
      the artificial ones that his masters
      had built ]

                 “I am so sorry, Steph.
                         I.. I didn’t see a way out.
                                  It was either kill them, or.. or they..”

       [ or they killed him. bucky
       barnes would be dead
       burning on a pit of worthless
       widow bodies, and they
       would’ve been finding a new
       soldier, a new play thing. a
       new toy. subconciously,
       hands reach out to grab at
       her face. she wants to cry,
       he can feel it, and the cool
       metal padding of his fingers
       allows soft and gentle circles
       to be rubbed on her face ]

          “You have to, Steph.
              I don’t want to be in here.
                        It’s just making my mind go crazy.
                              it’s making my head work over time
           and I.. I can’t promise. I just can’t promise anything anymore.”